Motherhood

As God designed Noah’s flood for reinvention, He likewise floods the hearts of mothers. The initial rush wipes away youth, leaving in its wake responsibilities. The waters cover the past, veiling the appeal. She can never again fathom singular. No, it was a story she read, a movie she watched. Always, always, she was your mother. She could not have belonged to herself, to slumber parties, to schoolyard crushes, to silly things. 

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When You Divorce a Narcissist

The stress and strain of it all will eventually crash down on you and topple your health. But, before that happens, you will contemplate suicide. Every day, all day, you will fight the urge to just be done with it. Your favorite time of day will be bedtime, when everyone is asleep, and you no longer have to pretend that you're okay. You will be simultaneously relieved and devastated that no one notices the precipice one step in front of you.

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According to Some, I May Be a Sexual Harasser

Have you ever sexually harassed anyone at work? What does sexual harassment look like to you?

Technically I have, I guess, sexually harassed coworkers at one former company. From asking my male boss if I could get corporate reimbursement for sex toys if those items were purchased under the guise of networking to trying to coerce my male coworker into doing a photoshoot at the office that he thought was going to be professional, but in reality I (along with my boss and another male officemate) planned to bind him with pink furry handcuffs, cover his mouth with Hello Kitty duct tape, and pose him getting spanked with a pink riding crop. (Unfortunately, he became too suspicious and refused to participate.)

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Are You an I-Person or a We-Person in Relationships?

Recently I asked a question on Facebook about how much freedom one needed in a relationship. Not surprisingly, the viewpoints were as varied as the individuals responding. Some reported needing little to no personal freedom, while others felt that trust should be the foundation to support any of their autonomous choices. The word trust was used again and again. But what exactly is trust between two adults in a loving, committed relationship? What does it look like and how much does it weigh when measuring the solidity of a union?

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The Chicken-Pigeon, Wormageddon, and Walgreens

Walgreens sells a lot of odd shit because they have that entire "As Seen on TV" aisle. Sometimes I buy the odd shit, even though I didn't see it on TV, because sometimes odd shit is captivating. One time I bought astronaut underwear -- which was basically an adult diaper with less stigma and a galaxy print. It was a gag gift...because I'm a generous person.

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Single Men of Facebook

The Facebook platform is a perfect perch for social observation. When you have the opportunity to interact with thousands of people, or silently witness their interplay, you learn things. Sometimes it’s things you never wanted to know. For example, I don’t feel particularly enriched by the awareness of how few people know the difference between your and you’re. When it comes to gender insight, however, Facebook has given me quite an education.

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Friend Request Fail: The Angry Pumpkin Mumpkin

Despite all his romantic tribulations, N doesn't seem deterred in looking for his new Pooh Bear with sexy lips who will suck his fingers and call him Pumpkin Mumpkin. Needless to say, N has very specific wants in a relationship. And he doesn't hesitate to always point out that his new Pooh Bear is way hotter than his old Pooh Bear.

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How to Properly Love a Woman: Part One

In short, a man can work two jobs, do all the housework, be dad of the year, volunteer at local charities, and be given the key to the city by a grateful mayor, but his wife can still be unhappy. By now you must think that women are crazy and demanding. Heh, sometimes we are. But there is one thing a man can do that will absolutely devastate his relationship, and this thing will typically go unrecognized, even in marriage counseling. 

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Facebook Friend Request...Nope

I have a knack for attracting men on Facebook who either just got out of prison, or who have been incarcerated within the last couple of years. I'm lucky like that. 

Let me introduce "N" to ya. The first thing N wanted upon his release was to find a girl. I like how he just puts it out there to his Facebook friends. I mean, I don't think my friends would help me acquire a live human being, so N must have some supportive buddies.

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Do Women over 40 Still Want a Full-time Man?

Dating in midlife is not for the faint of heart. It certainly isn't the same dance routine we learned in our youth. By age 40, many of us have experienced divorce firsthand or witnessed the traumatic unraveling of our family and friend's relationships. We bear battle scars. We aren't the same tender hearts from our teens or twenties. 

One of my male friends sent me the question below and it gave me much to ponder. What do you think?

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WTF Work: The Past-Prime Pharmacists

Our peace was short lived, however, when one of our regular customers who had been patiently waiting in the lobby came to the counter to tell us that we should check on our pharmacist, because he wasn't acting "right." Well, she was being generous in her description. As it turned out, Mort was sitting in a waiting area chair in the middle of several customers, entertaining them in a way that only an old codger stoned out of his mind could -- he had taken his shoes and socks off, and was trimming his grotesquely long, hardened, yellow toenails with a pliers that one of us had left out there while unpacking shipping boxes. 

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Mini Elvis

We all know that anything is better in miniature (with the exception of bank accounts and anatomical joysticks), but combining Elvis with itty-bittiness gets me more religious than the thought of the Second Coming. As soon as I heard the words "Mini Elvis," my heart quivered to the sound of a thousand hallelujahs.

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How a Bourbon Drinkin' Colt Made Kentucky the Horse Capital of the World

In the Spring of 1951 on a Lexington farm, a chestnut colt was trying to be born. His robust stature was doing no favors for his undersized mama. By the time he lay wet and exhausted on the hay, fighting for air, it was apparent the difficult delivery could cost the colt his life. Present at the delivery was veteran horseman John A. Bell III, who did the only reasonable thing for a Kentuckian in crisis: he grabbed a bottle of bourbon. After a quick swig for himself, Bell then poured the bourbon down the throat of the struggling foal and dabbed some excess around its nose. Proving itself to be a true Bluegrass boy, the colt rallied under the spell of Kentucky's liquid cure-all. Giddy with relief over the revival, Bell aptly named the strapping foal "Never Say Die."

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A Surprising Connection Between Adolph Hitler and Kentucky Horses

In simplest terms, eugenics is genetic selection in breeding to achieve desired outcomes. A hundred years ago it was accepted as a true science, which led to legal, medical, and social ramifications of horrific magnitude. At its best, animal eugenics makes sense to breeders who are attempting to pass on desirable traits while selectively breeding out what they consider genetic weaknesses. Visit any AKC dog show and you will see competing examples of eugenics. Seems fairly harmless, even pragmatic, right? Yet, what happens when society applies the same rules to humans? And who exactly gets to create the standard by which we judge?

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A Most Regrettable Everglades Swamp Walk: Conclusion

Our taciturn group gave up trying to scrub the gunk off our skin, and headed back to the bus. I was overjoyed to see the Melissa-clone, even though she seemed to take personal delight in seeing the sorry shape our asses were in as we climbed on board. Fuck her, I didn't care, she can be as evil as she wants. Hell, I'd help her mock us if that's what she wanted. We may look like muppets that were gang-banged in manure, but at least we were still alive, and I no longer had to fear being the snuggle buddy for a giant python.
 

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A Most Regrettable Everglades Swamp Walk: Part Five

I knew if I died that day, everyone was going to think I deserved it. There would be no pity for the girl who paid to go on a swamp walk and who willingly signed 2 stapled pages of legal mumbo jumbo saying that she was aware that she could die on the excursion. Society doesn't feel sorry for people exercising that level of careless stupidity. Of course, the story would circulate on social media and everyone would make their Captain Obvious comments such as, "Duh! Imagine getting eaten by an alligator while trying to wade through an alligator-infested swamp. Imagine that!" And those Twitter dickheads would be the worst by saying, "1 less dumbass 2 toler8." 

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