Single Men of Facebook

“Those who don't have a wife should sublimate their sexual energies with outdoor sports or long walks.” ― Samael Aun Weor, 

 

The Facebook platform is a perfect perch for social observation. When you have the opportunity to interact with thousands of people, or silently witness their interplay, you learn things. Sometimes it’s things you never wanted to know. For example, I don’t feel particularly enriched by the awareness of how few people know the difference between your and you’re. When it comes to gender insight, however, Facebook has given me quite an education.

I want to say upfront that I don’t begrudge men in general for trying to meet women on Facebook. It’s convenient and it’s free — I get it. Plus the attraction may develop organically as people get to know one another. I can respect that. But there are certain behaviors men engage in that probably ensure their continued singledom.

THE MINUTEMAN

The Minuteman is the guy who sends a friend request and, within one minute of accepting, he has made direct contact with you via Messenger, a poke, writing on your timeline, or liking every photo you’ve posted of yourself within the last 5 years. Minutemen are always single and they always have an agenda.

My advice to Minutemen: Never friend a woman and immediately contact her. You’ll look desperate and indiscriminate. If you found her photo attractive and decided to contact her, how many other men have done the same? By the time you stroll into her world, you contacting her is just going to be white noise at best, or a nuisance at worst. Besides, women are not going to be impressed by the stranger who wants to date her based solely on her physical appearance. 

THE TANTRUM THROWER

The Tantrum Thrower resides at the top of my shit list. This is the man who is most likely to be cussed up one side and down the other by me. He sends message after message and then becomes irate, perhaps verbally abusive, when the woman doesn’t respond. He feels that women have an obligation to respond to his unsolicited messages, and in a timely fashion no less.

My advice to Tantrum Throwers: If a woman doesn’t respond to your messages, then accept that she isn’t interested. We women don’t get paid to spend our time writing back to every random contact from strange men. If we did, I’d be fucking rich. So, unless you’re paying for a woman’s time (a prostitute, for example), you can’t demand jack shit. No one owes you anything. Maybe that entitled, immature attitude of yours is something you ought to work on, because it’s probably a detriment to you creating and maintaining a romantic relationship. 

THE EXHIBITIONIST

The Exhibitionist is someone who, out of the blue, will send you shirtless selfies or the infamous dick pic. Sometimes they will act like they sent it to you erroneously, but since they did….do you likey? Others will send an inappropriate photo with no explanation attached — as if the visual content is enough to convince you of something, but it never is. 

My advice to Exhibitionists: Stop being a moron. I promise you, no normal woman wants to view your penis parade, or see your man nipples. It just really isn’t that special. Think about how many nudie magazines there are for men vs. how many are geared towards women. Do you understand? Not only have you demonstrated what a pervert you are, but you have also solidified your status as a fucktard extraordinaire who doesn’t understand women in the slightest. In addition, you and your baby bazooka essentially become public property once you decide to send intimate photos to strangers or acquaintances. 

For instance, I was sitting in the salon chair recently on Messenger when someone’s fondled flesh flute flashed on the screen. Since my hair stylist is gay, he appreciated the erector pecker more than I did. Hell, I think he probably friend requested the guy after I left. My point is that those photos typically don’t remain private. They are usually the subject of mockery between that woman and her friends. You may be envisioning some lustful response, but the reality is that we are laughing until we cry over your saluting schlong and your nippy nipples. Remember that stupid is not sexy and it takes a lot of stupidity to send compromising photos of yourself to strangers or acquaintances.         

THE EMOJI ENTHUSIAST

The Emoji Enthusiast is a man of few words. In fact, I’m not sure he can speak English. He lets cartoon puppies and kittens waving hello or blowing kisses do all his talking. Sometimes his cartoon minions will offer you a virtual bouquet of flowers or a balloon full of happy thoughts. There are some Emoji Enthusiasts who have been sending me animated greetings through Messenger on and off for years now.

My advice to Emoji Enthusiasts: Use your words. We don’t know what you want. Grown women don’t speak emoji. You are conversing in the language of tween girls. If an adult male communicates with cutesy emojis, women are going to assume you’re either a pedophile or emotionally handicapped. If John Wayne were alive, do you think he’d use cartoons to woo a woman? No. You need to be more like John Wayne.

THE SALESMAN

The Salesman attempts to approach you indirectly. They will message you with the vague “Can I ask you a question,” or they will try to initiate a conversation as to how they must know you since “you look so familiar.” If you engage the Salesman in conversation, he will eventually ask if you are single. The Salesman is like the main character in the children’s book that reads, “If you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask for a glass of milk. When you give him the milk, he’ll probably ask you for a straw…” Any conversation with the Salesman will be circular in nature and will never end. He will always ask something else of you.

My advice to the Salesman: Don’t be disingenuous with women. It belittles who you are and your cookie cutter approach is a turnoff to women. You can’t approach romance like you’re trying to meet a sales quota.

THE SOLICITOR

The Solicitor is going to be unapologetically forward. He will message you (a stranger) and bluntly ask if you want to have sex. 

My advice to the Solicitor: If you ever get a positive reply to your query, use protection. Most likely she’s going to be the type of girl who you may need to take a prophylactic dose of antibiotics before meeting, in addition to using medical grade condoms.

THE ENERGIZER

The Energizer is your new best friend who is hyperactive and spectacularly excited that he found you. He will comment on every old photo you have on Facebook, and even tell you which hairstyle and/or hair color he likes best on you. Even though he just virtually met you, he will refer to you, your children, your mom, and your pets as if he knows all of you personally. He will turn back the pages of time and interject himself into the dormant Facebook posts from circa 2010, because he is obviously sad he missed saying “Aww…sorry!” on the October 11th post where you stubbed your toe 7 years prior. The Energizer has amazing stamina, and lots of free time, especially when sifting through years of posts from someone like me who writes a shitload. 

My advice to the Energizer: Lay off the caffeine. Even if you stalk through a girl’s entire timeline, please don’t comment or like anything that wasn’t posted in the last 3 days. It’s okay if you want to be a stalker, but try not to be obvious. No one needs to know.